Even more ukulele jokes

More ukulele jokes, found on http://www.ukuleleunderground.com

What's the difference between a banjo and a ukulele?
It takes half as long to burn a ukulele.

What's the difference between a ukulele player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

A ukulele player suddenly realizes he left his vintage ukulele out in his car over night. He rushes outside and  his heart drops when he sees that his car window is broken. Fearing the worst, he peeks through the window and finds that there are now five ukuleles in his car.

A banjo player and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud knocking on the door.
The banjo player got up, went to the door and found a ukulele player standing in the pouring rain.
"I need a push", said the ukulele player.
"Not a chance", said the banjo player, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning", slammed the door and went back to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some ukulele player bloke asking for a push", he answered.
"Did you help him?", she asked.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside" he said.
"Well, .... you have a short memory", said the wife, "don't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two nice young men helped us?. I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself".
The banjo player does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He called out into the dark night, "Hello, are you still there?".
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", called the banjo player.
"Yes please", came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?", asked the banjo player.
The ukulele player replied, "Over here on the swing".

How do you make a million dollars playing uke?
Start with two million.

Teacher: Where do you find the Aegean Sea?
Student: On the first, fourth and third strings.

Two women are in a music store. The first woman is looking at the ukulele the second woman is holding. The second woman notices and says, "I got this for my husband." First woman nods in appreciation and says, "good trade."

What is the difference between a ukulele player and a walrus?
One has whiskers and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

Two uke players played a New Year's eve gig at a local bar. At the end of the night the manager came up to them and said, "That wasn't so bad. Can I book you to play next New Year's too?"
The uke players glanced at each other, then one said, "That's cool. Could we leave our stuff here in the meantime?"

Ho! Hey!

Ho Hey by the Lumineers on the ukulele is a good fun one to do if you get people joining in the Ho! and Hey! bits. It is done so simply too with an acoustic guitar, bass drum, tambourine, bass guitar and mandolin and of course voices. For F, play it with the C chord still there, so instead of 2010 play 2013. To change to C, just take off the fingers playing the 2 and the 1.


C                              F C
I've been trying to do it right     (Hey!)
C                              F C
I've been living a lonely life      (Ho!)
C                              F C
I've been sleeping here instead     (Hey!)
C                            (F) Am
I've been sleeping in my bed,       (Ho!)  
Am                    G        F C
I've been sleeping in my bed        (Hey!)
F C        F C
Ho!            Hey!

C                                F C
So show me family                     (Ho!)
C                                F C
All the blood that I will bleed       (Hey!)
C                                F C
I don't know where I belong           (Ho!)
C                              (F) Am
I don't know where I went wrong,      (Hey!)
Am          G           F C
But I can write a song       (Ho!)

Chorus:
          C             Am                   G                 C
(1, 2, 3) I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart
              Am                   G                F C
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet    (Ho!)

F C      
     Hey!          
F C      
     Ho!          
F C      
     Hey!
F C      
     Ho!          
           
C                                  F C
I don't think you're right for him      (Hey!)
C                                  F C
I think of what it might have been      (Ho!)
C                                  F C
Took a bus to Chinatown                 (Hey!)
C                                (F) Am
I'd be standing on canal                (Ho!)
Am    G     F C
And bowery       (Hey!)
    Am                          G     F C
Oh, (Ho!) She'd be standing next to me     (Hey!)

          C             Am                   G                 C
(1, 2, 3) I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart
              Am                   G                C
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart


F       C G        C
And love, we need it now
F        C G
Let's hope for some
F         C G        C
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

Chorus:
          C             Am                   G                 C
(1, 2, 3) I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweetheart
              Am                   G                F C
I belong with you, you belong with me you're my sweet    (Ho!)

Ending:
F C    F C    F C
    (Hey!)     (Ho!)      (Hey!)

Thrift Shop... ukulele chords.

Can this really be done on the ukulele? Yep.

Depends what you you prefer singing in to get the key right. The original is in G# so it'd be: 

G# (4342) F# (3121) E (4442) Eb (3331) 

There's no really simple way without bar chords, I think. So, just play the chords for each line, with maybe a syncopated beat. one TWO one TWO one TWO etc.

Here's a good version with just guitar. to give you a guide. He does it in Fm7:
Fm7 (1313) Eb (3331) Db (6544) C (5433) If you find Fm easier, use that: either 1013 or 5543.

This vintage version, I love too.

I play this with Cm6 (3333), Eb+ (4332) , Fm7 (1313), G7 (0212) or something like. Throw in a G+ (0312) too at the end of a line to give it a vintage ukulele feel.
Then, for the build-up version of the chorus: C7 (3433) slide that up 3 more then 2 more then 2 more again!
If you need some guidance on what the hell all the slang in this means, try this.

[Chorus use C7 build-up]
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket
I- I- I'm huntin', looking for a come-up
This is fucking awesome

[Play 1 chord each per line]
Now, walk into the club like, "What up, I got a big cock!"
Nah, I'm just pumped, I bought some shit from the thrift shop
Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty
That people like, "Damn! That's a cold ass honky."
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the mezzanine,
Dressed in all pink, 'cept my gator shoes, those are green
Draped in a leopard mink, girls standin' next to me
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
[But shit, it was ninety-nine cents! (Bag it)]
Coppin' it, washin' it, 'bout to go and get some compliments
Passin' up on those moccasins someone else's been walkin' in
Bummy and grungy, fuck it man, I am stuntin' and flossin' and
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take your grandpa's style, I'ma take your grandpa's style,
No for real - ask your grandpa - can I have his hand-me-downs? (Thank you)
Velour jumpsuit and some house slippers
Dookie brown leather jacket that I found diggin'
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard
Hello, hello, my ace man, my mellow
John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my fringe game, hell no
I could take some Pro Wings,
make them cool, sell those
The sneaker heads would be like
“Aw, he got the Velcros!”

Chorus x2

What you know about rockin' a wolf on your noggin?
What you knowin' about wearin' aux fox skin?
I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm searching right through that luggage
One man's trash, that's another man's come-up
Thank your granddad for donating that plaid button-up shirt
'Cause right now I'm up in her skirt
I'm at the Goodwill, you can find me in the bins (Uptons)
I'm that, I'm that sucker searchin' in that section (Uptons)
Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy
I’ll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand, I rock that motherfucker
The built-in onesie with the socks on that motherfucker
I hit the party and they stop in that motherfucker
They be like, "Oh, that Gucci - that's hella tight."
I'm like, "Yo - that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt."
Limited edition, let's do some simple addition
Fifty dollars for a T-shirt - that's just some ignorant bitch (shit)
I call that getting swindled and pimped (shit)
I call that getting tricked by a business
That shirt's hella dough
And having the same one as six other people in this club is a hella don't
Peep game, come take a look through my telescope
Trying to get girls from a brand? Then you hella won't
Then you hella won't

Goodwill! Poppin’ tags! Yeah!

Chorus x2

I wear your granddad's clothes
I look incredible
I'm in this big ass coat
From that thrift shop down the road

Chorus

Is that your grandma's coat?

Valentines: My funny valentine

Copied from the incomparable Shelley Rickey's site:  http://shelleyrickey.blogspot.ie/2011/02/uken-be-my-valentine.html


[Dm]My funny [A7]valentine,
[Dm7]sweet, comic [Dm6]valentine -
[A#]You make me [Gm7]smile
[Gm6] with my [A7]heart. [Gm] [A7]
[Dm]Your looks are [A7]laughable,
[Dm7]unphoto[Dm6]graphable,
[A#]Yet you're my[Gm7]favorite [A#m]work of a[C7]rt.

Bridge:
Is your [F]figure [C7]less than [F]Greek?
[Gm7]Is [C7]your [F]mouth a [Gm7]little [F]weak?
[Gm7]When [C7]you [Fm7]open [A7]it to speak, [Dm]are you [A#m7]smart? [C7]

[A7]But [Dm]don't change a [A7]hair for me,
[Dm7]Not if you [Dm6]care for me -
[A#]Stay, little[Em7] val - en - [A7]tine, [Dm]stay! [F7]
[A#]Each [A#m7]day is [Gm7]val - en - [C7]tine's [F]day. [A#7] [A7]

Loads of versions on youtube, here's just two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o805eGf9NQw and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i8vJ0tNDLA

Valentines: Love me

Something for you to play to your guy/gal on Valentines... Nick Cage in a David Lynch move doing an Elvis impersonation is my fave version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P71Xx3EC67Y


C+ is 1003 F#dim7 is 1212 Tacet means don't play nothin'

Intro: F Bb F C+

                F                                               F7            Bb
Treat me like a fool, treat me mean and cruel, but love me.
                  C7                              C+          F         F#dim7    C7
Break my faithful heart, tear it all apart, but  love me.
C+            F   F7                            Bb
If you ever go, darling, I'll be, oh, so lonely.
               C7                     C+            F     Bb     F
I'll be sad and blue crying over you, dear, only.

Tacet                   Bb             F
I would beg and steal just to feel
        G7                               C7    G7    C7
your heart beating close to mine.
C+               F                               F7            Bb
Ev'ry night I pray to the stars that shine above me,
                          C7                       C+                F           Bb        F
Begging on my knees, all I ask is please, please, love me.

Lydia the Tattooed Lady

I LOVE this song, first heard it on the Muppet Show, though it is a Groucho Marx standard, from At The Circus (1939). More detail on the meaning of the references in the song here.


[Spoken] Ah Lydia!

Fm                                        G7
She was the most glorious creature,
Fm           G7
under the sun
Fm                                Fm               G7
Thaïs, du Barry, Garbo, rolled into one

C              Dm7  G7  C                     Dm7       G7
Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
C              C#dim (0104)       Dm7     G7
Lydia The Tattooed              Lady.
F            C          Dm7    C
She has eyes that folks adore so,
G7    G#7  Dm7  G7+ (0312)
and a torso even more so.
C              Dm7    G7   C      Dm7       G7
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopidia.
C                              F
Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.
            C               Cdim (0101) Dm7   G7
On her back is The Battle of        Waterloo.
     C                G#7           Dm7          G7+
Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too.
        C            C7                    F                     D7
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.
              D7      G7          C
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

Dm7   G7    C
La-la-la...la-la-la.     Bb7

              Eb              Bb7               Gm            Gdim (0101)                
When her robe is unfurled, she will show you the world,
          Fm                Fm7                      Bb7
if you step up and tell her where.
         Fm           Fm(maj7)  (1003)       Fm    
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,
     Fm             Bb7                Eb
or Washington crossing The Delaware.

Fm7     Bb7        Eb
La-la-la...la-la-la.    

Dm7   G7    C
La-la-la...la-la-la.


C              Dm7    G7  C                     Dm7       G7
Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
C              C#dim      Dm7     G7
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
F               C             Dm7   C
When her muscles start relaxin',
G7       C#dim       Dm7      G7+
up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.
C              Dm7   G7   C          Dm7       G7
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
        C                                      F
Oh Lydia The champ of them all.
             C                   Cdim   Dm7        G7
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz,
           C              C#dim        Dm7      G7+
with a view of Niagara that nobody has.
        C               C7                F              D7
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.
              D7       G7          C
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

Dm7    G7       C
La-la-la...la-la-la. Bb7

                      Eb
Come along and see Buff'lo Bill with his lasso
                                                 Fm7        
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso
                            Bb7          B7                 Bb7  
Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon
Fm7              Bb7               Eb
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on

Fm7     Bb7        Eb
La-la-la...la-la-la.  X2   Eb

                         Eb
Here is Grover Whalen unveilin' the Trylon
                                                                    Fm7
Over on the west coast we have Treasure Islan'
            Bb7          B7                 Bb7
Here's Nijinsky a doin' the R-r-r-humba
Fm7              Bb7               Eb
Here's her Social Security numba

Fm7     Bb7        Eb
La-la-la...la-la-la.  X2   C

C       Dm7   G7   C          Dm7       G7
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.
        C                                      F
Oh Lydia The champ of them all.

         C                     Cdim     Dm7            G7
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet.
         C                C#dim               Dm7           G7+
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.
        C                  C7                F                   D7
And now the old boy's in command of the fleet,
              D7       G7          C
for he went and married Lydia!


C       Dm7   G7   C          Dm7       G7
I said Lydia (He said Lydia)
C       Dm7   G7   C          Dm7       G7
I said Lydia (He said Lydia)
G7 C
La la!

Finnegan's Wake

A great fun Irish ballad in the music hall tradition from the 1850s. Watling Street from the first line is still there, a long narrow road off the quays of the Liffey in a poorer part of Dublin, but right by the Guinness brewery. So a great place for a man with a love of liquor :-)
https://maps.google.com/maps?q=watling+street+dublin&hl=en&ll=53.344878,-6.284126&spn=0.0038,0.00449&hnear=Watling+St,+Dublin,+County+Dublin,+Ireland&t=h&z=18

Here's a good version by the Dubliners: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBbYXpUj1c0
There's a glossary of terms here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finnegan's_Wake

Chords for each verse are as follows with the first 2 repeated for the refrain.

C Am F G7 C Am F G7 C        C Am C Am C      C Am F G7 C

Ah Tim Finnegan lived in Watlin' Street, a gentle Irishman mighty odd
He had a brogue both rich and sweet, an' to rise in the world he carried a hod
Ah but Tim had a bit of a tipplers way, with a love for the liquor poor Tim was born
and to send him on his way each day, he'd a drop of the craythur every morn

Whack fol the dah will dance to yer partner around the floor with yer trotters shake
Isn't it the truth I tell you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake

Now one morning Tim got rather full, his head felt heavy which made him shake
Fell from a ladder and he broke his skull, and they carried him home his corpse to wake
Ah they wrapped him up in a nice clean sheet, and laid him out upon the bed
A bottle of whiskey at his feet and a barrel of porter at his head

Whack fol the dah will dance to yer partner around the floor with yer trotters shake
Isn't it the truth I tell you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake

Well his friends assembled at the wake, and Mrs Finnegan called for lunch
Well first she brought them tay and cake, then pipes, tobacco and brandy punch
Then the widow Malone began to cry, "Ah such a lovely corpse, did you ever see,
Ah sure, Tim avourneen, why did you die?", "Will ye hould your gob?" said Molly McGee

Whack fol the dah will dance to yer partner around the floor with yer trotters shake
Isn't it the truth I tell you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake

Oh well Mary Murphy took up the job, "Ah Biddy" says she "you're wrong, I'm sure"
Well Biddy gave her a belt in the gob and left her sprawling on the floor
Ah civil war did then engage, t'was woman to woman and man to man
Shillelagh law was all the rage and a row and a ruction soon began

Whack fol the dah will dance to yer partner around the floor with yer trotters shake
Isn't it the truth I tell you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake

Ah Mick Maloney ducked his head when a bucket of whiskey flew at him
It missed, and falling on the bed, the liquor scattered over Tim
Bedad he revives, see how he rises, Tim Finnegan rising from the bed
Saying "Whittle your whiskey around like blazes, be the t'underin' Jaysus, did ye think I was dead?"
Whack fol the dah will dance to yer partner around the floor with yer trotters shake
Isn't it the truth I tell you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake

C      F       C            G7         C
How is your 'aul one? Game Ball!